(no subject)

[stormdracona]

I sit here looking at this screen wondering anymore.



I can't believe how long its been. Just..in general. Some days I feel like I'm still 15 trying to figure everything out where most of the time I feel like I'm 30. I have to think about how old I really am. Its been hard lately the company that bought ours out is having problems so our payments that we live on are becoming inconsistant.

I always feel like if this all fails that its over, and I shouldn't I'm almost turning 21 but I can't shake the feeling.

Been talking to the Army Guard recruiter, despite the Fibro depending they may still take me. Its a last resort since I'd be shipped off for boot out of state I can't remember all the locations but with how wacked out everything is I can't..leave it.

I'm realizing everyone I used to talk to on a regular basis-in person and online-its faded into almost nonexistant. Just grew apart, and its no ones fault it just happens. I miss the days of feeling those bonds though I'll admit.

I miss my mother, I love my father we're a good team or we wouldn't have survived. But I keep remembering how I lost my best friend. Depression and lonliness isn't anything new for me really anymore, it was enough my grandmother decided with my father I needed a project not attached to the horses. So I'm in a training course for service dogs (for me and the barn) with Zeus, he's a rescued 14 month old Mantle Great Dane. He's my baby and on bad days he's been my biggest help.

I know I don't post here often, and part of it is nothings truelly new, in the sense of whats going on other then its gotten so much worse. I'm hanging on by my fingernails to not wallow in depression and I hate making it seem like I am when I write. I just don't have anything positive to really write about anymore that I can think of, I'm lucky if there isn't yelling somewhere in the house or I'm not overdrafted in the bank. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Trying to get back into writing, started watching KR when I end up not able to sleep at night, trying to stay somehow positive. But the due dates looming and I'm not even halfway there.

Love you all and I'm sorry I'm scarce anymore, I just don't know what to do anymore.

Comments

[neo53.livejournal.com]

Mmm...you and me both <3

[tomywca.livejournal.com]

You have horses that adore you and teach you, you have a family nearby, you see the sun, the moon and the stars. You can sing in the rain, squint at the sun, see the gleam and the dapples on the horse's coats. Melt when one nickers at you - knowing it's just for you.

You get kisses and snots and farted on by all the beasties!

That's how I do it....

[stormr-d.livejournal.com]

They're the only reason I haven't thrown my hands up an called quits anymore-I can't give them up. Its knowing that theres an inevitible chance that thats going to happen anyways thats got me down-how can anyone manage to bring in 12k a month? (Stupid banks..) An the horses aren't even costing me $1000 to take care of which is the frustrating part.

[tomywca.livejournal.com]

12K!! Holy shit. How are your lessons doing? How far has your riding ability come? How much are you off your target amt? Who are your sponsors?

[stormr-d.livejournal.com]

Lessons are as well as can be helped I lost 2 recently due to parents losing jobs :/ Riding wise I'm still dressage 1 but got the miles on western and english (With some Saddleseat) a hiring barn liked me but the commute wasn't worth the pay :(

IN basics of what this all is, is 12k is to run the House&Barns sadly a big chunk is the mortgage-we're one of the many upside down loans and the banks are refusing to refinance they'd prefer to short sale or as they've tried auction the house, and we were still in it an current! I'm making about 2k a month well I was before students started having problems :/ the heats killing us its already 105 with humidity.

Sponsers I don't have though looking at March AFB to see, I don't have a 501c3 due to theres a barn riiiight up the road not even 2 miles thats one. City bows to her whims she doesn't even have her NARHA cert anymore but she's still doing it.

But because of it the citys kinda "But...why?" However I'm still treating it like a non profit-whatevers made goes to the barns. Barns pay rent to house etc for using property. We have it laid out /for/ a 501c3 just..can't seem to get it. Without that damn status getting sponsers is near impossible due to its not tax deductible :(

I'm trying to get a regular 'day' job but Cali's hitting a problem, if you got laid off like me? Some companys will only hire people that are already working "Unemployed don't apply" I'm not joking and sadly they can do that. But I'm trying to get the cart buisness going better then just christmas, and if I can get a training gig other then "Train my horse for a lease?" I'd be good. Still trying for more students though.

So I've got this giiiant problem, the money dads getting for Knights runs out April 2011. I have that much time to try an-if he or the boys too-can get a job to fill that gap we'd be safe....Because we can't get a house if we lose this being jobless ..

[tomywca.livejournal.com]

what about flipping horses? Do you think you can take greenies and train them western pleasure or dressage and sell them on? You could pick up a 2yr old for 1000, back it in 1 to 2 months and sell for 4-5000. ??

[stormr-d.livejournal.com]

Not a market for it I'm still trying to sell 3 of mine Western Pleasure paint with some english training registered and very good blood lines her grandfathers famous, markel says worth about 10k. Can't even get 2 for her. S

People are literally giving away lesson horses :/