(no subject)

u.u This christmas is just. ~sigh~ We're all almost completely sure of it now.

My grandma's going to probably die on christmas day.

She's catatonic, almost comatose. She's delusional, she's scared and...Already to far gone to save. Hearing how the tremors made her fall again, hearing the phone calls- everyone trying to bring her back mentally. She thinks she's not home she thinks she's in a house that looks like hers but it isn't hers. Theres 'strange' people in the house an livestock in the backyard. Its all in her head. Yesterday morning I couldn't be there but my mom told me she came in to hear my grandma talking to 'me' she SWORE I was there.

If my grandma does die tommorow. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I just know I feel numb after seeing her once. I've already lost her without a proper chance to say goodbye, it was so sudden. She's alive physically but mentally shes just...gone almost completely.

Christmas eve meet of course has been cancelled(tradition every living family member comes an has dinner at grandmas house) So when grandma dies so does that tradition. I won't see my cousin's or uncle this year. Tis a very lonely seeming christmas an very depressing.

"I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware"