(no subject)

[stormdracona]

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’ve becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be

normal LJ cut because LJ Is being bad >.<



I was wrong its sinking in now she's gone. I probably won't get on AIM today, I won't be worth talking to.

And to boot apparently I also got a 'bug' from my parents work or something so I'm sick as hell an to boot with everything else. I'm falling apart physically and emotionally.

The list -.-

Knees are cracking and the kneebraces are making them hurt worse
Hip is making my whole right side hurt probably caused by knees
Back is jammed up because of hip
Disfunctional kidney is being bad because of surgey issues, backlog of toxins
Migranes from crying myself to sleep
this bug is effectiong my stomach now.

Mental stability I won't get into. I am a ticking bomb that either I'm depressed or I get triggered to a more violent depressedness that is just pathetic because I'm not truelly angry. At least I'm not doing what I used to in these cases. Then I'd have people all over me again and I'd be drugged up. My walls are cracking, the pillars of stability are crumbling.

And you know whats really sad? It'd be her I'd call at this time so I could sit and talk. But I can't now, shes gone. She was the only one I trusted to talk to that wouldn't think it was the end of the world, saying god would help if I was willing to ask. And that she'd pray for me, that always made me feel better because I knew she would. My bodys just adding salt to the wound she's gone.

I don't care if this surgery heals anymore...I'm just tired. Mind over body for pain hasn't been working since the day I was told she was gone, but I won't let myself get addicted to vicodin. I'm not as strong anymore.

Also another reason I won't go on AIM? Did so earlier, I was crying for 2 1/2 hours because they ask why I'm not 'myself' I tell them nonya they say it is and won't shut up about it. I tell them and they start asking insenstive comments or questions. Like 'How she die?' 'Did she look that bad the day before?'

I don't want to remember the gone look on her face. But everytime I close my eyes I see it. Knowing when I said goodbye it was a 2 minute visit. Knowing a simple 'love you' as I started to leave wouldn't have gotten through her fog. Crying on the way back I think I knew, god both cursed us and answered our prayers.

This is nothing compared to what my moms feeling. But it scares me to watch her have to deal with this, knowing in the future.

I'll be doing that someday. But I'm not going to fully break down yet, I can't. I won't we're not done yet, I'm not done yet. After thursday then I can break down, because there'd be nothing more I can do.


Been dealing with Paster[sp] Sid got info my mom probably would need, Randy can do the service on Thursday, then Randy called-he's a paster but also my youth group leader. I managed to not break down talking to him.

Talking to the one/s that will be doing the ceremony I realized is really really hard. ~goes off to curl up and cry~

God I miss her...