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Note to self write about current PTSD episode when more coherant and how Justins dog nearly killed us
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okay I love kids. I do, I didn't wholly mind the very hyperactive child running up to me in the docs office and hanging off my (admittedly) bad arm giggling. I do mind however when I am on my phone responding to a text they come and grab said phone and throw it across the lobby. I think the look of horror on his moms face matched mine, thankfully my carbon case protected it.
stormdracona: (Beating my head against a wall)
Hate when I flare this badly in my torso trouble breathing damn you weather and your coming snow in 70mph winds :|
stormdracona: (Default) amazing...Pipe Dreams is awesome too, they even made a machine IRL :D

R.I.P Zeus

Jan. 11th, 2012 02:06 pm
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I had to put my service dog Zeus down last night.

There are no words to explain just how painful it was to do.
Zeus and Me, When his previous mama visited and took pictures :) Isn't he handsome?
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Tracks )
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2500 Silverado/Topkick

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There are just some days you have to wonder.
stormdracona: (Wolf Storm)

I'm such a dork
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the strangest sensation is suddenly arms an face going numb D:

doc is not amused with the fibro shennangins

niether am I

RIP Sweety

May. 16th, 2011 04:30 pm
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This was taken the day before.

I had to put her down, she had a stone there was no way she could pass, and even if we could she wouldn't have survived surgery. We tried, she went peacefully.

First horse I've had to put down
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Grandma had a bleeding ulcer that was cauterized today, she survived the surgery. Only problem was her blood pressure wouldn't go up. I called to see how it went and she was resting the nurses wouldn't talk to me over the phone, was gunna come after she got out of the sedation.

7:19 we got a call to come to the hospital, during that whole time she'd signed a DNR and was dying.

We got there just after she died. 7:21.

RIP Grandma

January 30th 1942-April 27th 2011.
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So...I'm exhasted. Every two hours my grandmother needs me (Yes this includes at night/early morning) this also includes me taking care of critters, cleaning, cooking, packing.

Plus side being up at 4am if I stay up an work come 6ish she needs help again, then I can work until 8, then after she's settled maybe catch a half hour snooze. So to put it mildly I'm running on very little to no sleep, an the fact I've walked into a closed door I thought was ajar to be pushed open /twice/ an gave myself a bloody nose the second time (nothin major...third times the charm me thinks) but I'm just eh about it. Dinner last night was interesting I don't remember cooking. I do remember being startled by burning my thumb however :P

I'm only getting claustraphobic is all. Due to how much of as my dad so elequintly put it to the social worker who's supposed to get me assitance to give me a break- "She's on a short choke chain" Which is true, max half hour gone from the house, if I push 45 minutes grandma starts getting panicky. Plus side if the worker manages what she's gunna try an push for (no high hopes due to how much grandma gets paid by retirement) I may be copensated by her health care an get paid for a certain amount of hours a month.

An trying to figure out dinner ideas when your this exhasted and don't want to eat sucks. Cuz everything doesnt sound good or makes you nauseated.

I really don't think I'm going to be able to do anything I planned for this month or come end of May...The two events I look forward to in a year I know is probably not gunna work. I might make Ren Faire is Dorothy can watch grandma for a few hours. But Botcon? Its aways away but unless grandma really improves I don't know how I'm going ot manage it....good thing I missed out on the big package I guess.

Okay random update is done. Gunna try an catch a nap(probably gunna fail for some reason I'm getting called like no ones buisness an people keeping coming to the door. Ugh.)
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Updated pictures of mahself. Cuz I can.

Read more... )
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So still have to get into doctors. Its been pretty insane here at the house :/ I've been running between the houses and the hospital-grandmas been in a rehabilitation hospital for the past month, and is hopefully coming home tommorow. I already got her hospital bed and other equipment set up. Now I just need her here. Hospice and physical therapist will be coming to the house once a day for her as well once she's home.

Dads hopefully going to manage to get what little bit of the payment for KDS he can from CAN tommorow if his leg behaves, then we gotta run to Home Depot and grandmas house for some things. Need to replace a few things in the new house, an have to grab her chandilier so it can be put up.

I'm still trying to orginize how to get to the docs so I can get results, because I realized the docs don't have my new phone number (The epihany tonight) so I gotta call 'em tommorow. An try to get in maybe Thursday. Cuz I still ain' feelin to hot.

I'll be feeling more accomplished once I can get my desk ordered because then I have a ton of measuring to do so I know what I can keep, and the new rat cage that finally went on sale. My current one my rats have figured out how to escape. Mind its 3-4 years old and a PITA to clean this new ones heavy duty and easy clean. So yay. Got the bird cages done-trying that new walnut litter instead of paper in the bottom because they just shred it like no ones buisness. So far its working nicely. Slowly getting them new heavier duty toys. Widgets in heaven. Auggie does't approve of change.

Slowly trying to get everything on a schedule/easy maintnance situation. Its kinda working kinda not. But part of it I know is I'm so burnt out I can't focus. Its actually causing panic attacks when I *try* to work.

Yeah, cue issues. Beh.

Welp I'm gunna go attempt to feed reptile critters and try to clean the crested gecko tank.
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Getting down to the wire...

Past couple days haven't been feeling phyiscally *to* bad. Still eh about when I have to eat an I still get the pain but I'm getting a routine-an Dad an the boys are actually pitching in and its kinda working. Michelle came an helped me pack some an kept me company/dragged me out of the house. An I'm managing to semi organize my thoughts...

Its pouring rain, at both houses. The new one it was storming-we get 40+mph winds there on a regular basis. I was the only one not really bothered walking around in it really, guess I'm not called "Storm" for nothing :P until it bulleted my aft with hail that is...

I'm starting to feel like I'm closing a page on my life, pushing myself so far I broke and I'm picking myself up to look at each little piece. I *can* let go of this house, an after packing some things-I think I'll have a day once we're moved and settled to actually mourn. Mourn mom, mourn the loss of the house, just...get it done and over with. Accept that I've got too much ahead of me to try an hold on. I found the candle I never could burn Jenny gave me, I live by the words on it best I can-its a memorial candle that turns into a vase once the wax burns.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

No real internet until verizon gets thier butts in gear means I'll probably be pushing the musical and art side further. I start vocal lessons soon actually, try to smooth the 'vibrato' out of some of the notes and widen my range some more. Hampton hotel liked me as a possible lounge piano player-if I get the vocals tuned it kinda looks alittle better.(thier like 5minutes from the house)

Art wise I'm hoping my creativity will return an I'll actually manage to put some effort into growing that when I'm not working with the horses. I finally got ahold of Robbie, he got caught up in his life he just didn't feel like talking. When I gave him the full low down he nearly started crying. The last message I'd left him had been me asking for company the day I was out of ER-not that he knew I just came out of ER. Theres just some things you want to try an explain in person. Sadly I didn't get that chance an I know he's going to worry now by how he sounded.

Trying to be optimistic, to take the few true happy moments I'm getting and holding onto them. I'm pretty socially exiled, and (those who I talk via AIM an MSN-don't panic about no internet. My phone is epic like that) I'm going to have to resettle myself into a still devolping rural area.

Last night was the most fun I've had in awhile.
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god I am in so much pain right now i dont want to go to er x.x
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I must be stressed when I dream of the questions I want to ask about the choice I have to make.

~facedesk~ Why doesn't life have a 'pause' button?
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Ugh so managed to get to docs. We're just going to take it a step at a time. I'm in the gray area when it comes to the size of the lymphnodes. In basics we're doing everything to level myself out-everything from a small dose of antidepressants and a full blood screen. Since apparently my blood count is on the low side. We're trying to narrow out why that is.

The ER zapped me twice with the CT machine but didn't have me take the drinkable contrast with the IV contrast so theres some missing date my doc would have been happier to have. Meh. Soonest they'd recommened another scan is 6 months due to radiation unless we really need to push it.

In order we're figuring-

Blood tests(I'll know in a week what we need to work on for further balance, do it, take it again if no improvement on pain/eating etc)
GI Scope to check inside intestine(kinda a moot test an just more of a precaution)
CT scan with full contrast drink&IV

So. Here we go here's praying we rule out Lymphoma.
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Well alots happened since my last post.

The house is coming along we're trying to find a barn building company that isn't ya know. Off thier rocker. The one price of this one company for a tongue an groove wood barn was more for the same thing from Barnmaster-which is solid reinforced metal with warrenties up the yang.

So still looking at other companies to find the best deal.

The properties about 30% graded and its turning pretty :3 I'll have to get pics when its done, an the house is slowly getting ready to be moved into. I'm getting this house slowly fixed up an stuff packed/sorted or thrown out. But like always when ya think things are gunna be okay ya get hit with a curve ball.

So in basics, I've been sick for...awhile. Like over a month. Constant lethargy we figured the fibro, the pain-fibro. Problem was, it started getting worse, an last week I suddenly couldn't eat anything solid. An then the pain worsened to a different type of pain. Finally went to dad an told him I had to go to ER, I couldn't try to shrug it off anymore this Sunday (was released Monday morning at exactly 12:01 on my ER dishcarge woo). We figured due to where the pain was it was my kidney which has a birth defect it wouldn't be the first time it's given me grief. My abdomen had started swelling slightly with fluid, to the point when touched I couldn't feel anything but this itchy sensation still is puffy but its not as bad nor has it gotten bigger.

First CT scan, without contrast it looked like I had an internal hernia and they had spotted my lymphnodes were...huge. So to double check, because if it was a full hernia I'd have been in surgery they put me through another CT with contrast. Not a hernia, though the intestines are starting to loop like thier planning on doing such eventually so I now have a big ol' warning stamp on my medical record now incase I come in for such symptoms to check since ya know, intestines tying into a knot can kill ya pretty quick I hear.

Whats got everyone worried is the lymphnodes though. Every single one in my internal abdomen "intra abdominal lymphadenopathy" is what its called. Whats worrying is they can't find why they're doing so. They're whats causing the pain the docs figuring, and I have strict orders to see Dahiya and probably from what ER doc said-gunna have to get a biopsy to see whats going on. Literally it could be some nasty intestinal infection all the way to cancer. There is literally no telling whats going on just by the CT, an my bloodwork was fairly clear considering. ESR like normal was slightly elivated but not alarmingly so. But I've got pages of papers that I was discharged with. Mostly see Dahiya ASAP preferabbly within 8 hours (still trying to get ahold of the dude. Yeesh.) and/or return to ER. Actually if anything changes return to ER period actually. I have to finish reading page three, had to put it on the fridge so everyone can see that they gotta start helping/take care of themselves since right now bending is rather painful and has been. For apparently good reason.

In all honesty I was kinda shocked at the findings to say the least. Kidney/UTI infection? Yeah could understand that, but doc figures part of it is I literally just got used to it I didn't think on it. He defiently wasn't happy it took me this long to come into ER c.c After the first pain med shot, the difference is...startling. Actually got a ton done on Monday despite having to be very careful. Todays been a kinda got nothing accomplished but a store run and dinner, an tommorow may not be much better but in this case if just because of the meds was sent home with. I'm saying fuck 'em. They couldn't get me a way to get to a doc before it got this bad, they'll have to deal with me being crippled until we get it sorted.

My problem is, I now do have medical bills piling up. I still have one I gotta call the hospital on an try to get a payment plan set up, an when this one comes in (I'm...cringing in prepreation for what insurance won't pay. 2 CTs an I was in there 10hours) I'll have to do the same thing.

Ontop of gas being $4 an Dahiya being 40 some odd miles away, and the testing I have to do in his hospital I know is ahead of me...

Anyone want a commision?~facepalms~
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